Abby Quillen

Freelance Content Marketing Writer and Editor

Parenting

Friendship: The Best Medicine

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Friendship is the best medicine #friends #socialtiesWalking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. -Helen Keller

It was time for our morning walk, and four-year-old Ezra was dragging. “Wait up,” he called as I strode a few steps ahead of him, toting his little brother.

“Why are you walking so fast?” he moaned a few minutes later.

“Can we turn around?” he asked when he finally trudged to the corner.

I relented and we headed toward home. Maybe Ezra was coming down with a cold or didn’t get enough sleep. I suggested we curl up on the couch and read stories.

Then our three-year-old neighbor came out of her house. Ezra bounded to her, and within moments, they were squealing and running in circles, falling down in the grass, and playing tag.

Our neighbor’s mom asked if Ezra would like to join their family on a walk to the top of a hill in our neighborhood. “Please, Mama, please, can I go,” Ezra pleaded as he lapped the yard.

I couldn’t imagine Ezra walking a mile and then climbing a steep hill after I’d nearly had to drag him to the corner. But I could hardly say no.

Forty-five minutes later, my neighbors returned and reported that Ezra and his friend had run nearly the entire way to the hill and back.

It was an awe-inspiring lesson in the power of friendship, which Ezra teaches me again and again.

At the mention of one of his friends, Ezra perks up. In the presence of his friends, pain evaporates. Hunger diminishes. Tiredness morphs into boundless energy.

So, a few days after Ezra’s hill climb, I wasn’t surprised to read about a study finding that mice paired with a friend were able to withstand much higher levels of neuropathic pain than those who were socially isolated.

That’s not the only study illuminating the power of friendship. According to a 2009 New York Times article, “a 10-year Australian study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends.” And “Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties could promote brain health as we age.”

The article goes on to list multiple other studies showing that people with strong friendships tend to get fewer colds, have better odds during breast cancer treatment, and be less likely to suffer a fatal heart attack. And it even spells out what was likely happening with Ezra’s sudden hill-climbing prowess:

“researchers studied 34 students at the University of Virginia, taking them to the base of a steep hill and fitting them with a weighted backpack. They were then asked to estimate the steepness of the hill. Some participants stood next to friends during the exercise, while others were alone.

The students who stood with friends gave lower estimates of the steepness of the hill. And the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared.

So next time you’re feeling crummy — or even better, when you’re feeling great — don’t forget to cultivate one of nature’s most powerful healers: your friendships.

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Preserve Fall’s Colors

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Full confession: I’m not the craftiest person.

As much as I love the idea of crafting and am convinced that it improves our creative, cognitive, and emotional health, I am a bit challenged in the area of actually, you know, crafting. (Just thinking about it works, right?)

That’s why I’m grateful that Ezra attends a sweet nature-based preschool for a few hours a week, where craftiness abounds. This week he made these beautiful (and wonderful-smelling) beeswax-dipped leaves. And it’s such an easy project; I think I could probably even master it.

Here’s a how-to from Martha Stewart herself, if you are in a crafty mood and still have some fall leaves to preserve.

Wishing you a happy Halloween!

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A Snapshot of Parenting in America

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Percentage of women between the ages 40 and 44 who’ve had a biological child (2010):

83

In 1990, the percentage of women between the ages 40 and 44 who’d had a biological child:

90

Percentage of men between who’ve had a biological child by age 40 (2010):

76

Percent drop in the birth rate between 2007 and 2010:

7

Average age of a first-time mother in 1970:

21.4

Average age of a first-time mother in 2008:

25.1

Percentage of babies born to unmarried mothers in 1980:

18

Percentage of babies born to unmarried mothers in 2011:

40

Percentage of kids who were adopted (2000):

2.5

Number of kids in the foster care system awaiting placement with a family (2011):

104,236

Percentage of kids being raised in a two-parent home (2011):

69

Percentage of kids living in poverty (2011):

22

Percentage of married moms who stayed at home with their kids in 1969:

44

Percentage of married moms who stayed at home with their kids in 2010:

26

Percentage of dads who stayed at home with their kids in 2010:

0.8

Percentage of kids ages 0 to 4, who have a working mother and are enrolled in center-based child care (2010) :

24

Average cost per year for center-based child care in Massachusetts, the most expensive in the nation (2010):

$15,000

Percentage of children between ages three and five who were read to every day in 2005:

47

Percentage of children between ages three and five who were read to every day in 2007:

40

Percentage of parents who believe it is okay to spank their children:

67

Percentage of parents who admit to spanking their children:

50

Percentage of parents who think it is okay for a grade-school teacher to spank a child:

26

(Click on the hyperlinks to see the sources for the statistics.)

This is part of a New Urban Habitat series: Snapshots of America:

  1. A Snapshot of Car-Usage in America
  2. A Snapshot of Education in America
  3. A Snapshot of Waste in America
  4. A Snapshot of Food in America
  5. A Snapshot of Time in America

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Taking a Leap

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I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.  ~Pablo Picasso

When I decided to work at home while taking care of my kids, a few well-meaning older women warned me that I’d regret it. They’d stayed home for a few years and felt bored and isolated. Then they’d spent the rest of their careers struggling to catch up. I listened carefully. They had legitimate points, especially in the age they were living in.

But over the last few years I’ve discovered that we’re living in a new world now.

Today, we can jump on Twitter and chat with writers, editors, agents, magazine publishers, photographers, philosophers, scientists, and thinkers at the world’s largest virtual cocktail party.

We can click over to WordPress or Typepad and publish our ideas to hundreds of people with the click of a button.

We can head over to Google+ and hold a video conference call with far-away clients and colleagues.

And, with an Internet connection, it’s all free.

As you’ve probably heard, there’s also a massive revolution happening in the publishing industry. For the first time in history, we can publish books at home with little upfront cost, sell them ourselves, and have an actual chance of making money.

Or we can turn to Kickstarter and ask our friends, family, and followers to invest in our big ideas.

Of course, with all of this possibility comes responsibility. We must put out our finest work if we stand a chance of getting noticed today. For writers that means mastering, or outsourcing, the many jobs publishers do, including editing, design, customer service, and promotion.

Then there’s the real challenge: fear. We must have the courage to choose, out of a seemingly endless menu of options, what project to work on, which business to start.

But there’s no doubt about it, it’s a thrilling time to be an entrepreneurial person who wants to work at home.

But what of the warnings that staying at home with kids equates to endless boredom, to “long days and short years”? Well, the Internet has simply revolutionized the stay-at-home parent’s lifestyle.

From home, we can take university classes, watch inspirational speeches from the world’s greatest thinkers, network with friends and family across the planet, and access a seemingly infinite amount of information for free.

So the next time someone tells you that your dreams aren’t possible, no matter what they are, remember, we live in a vastly different world than even the one we lived in a few years ago.

Get inspired:

  • Watch an interview with Seth Godin on books, business choices, and life.
  • Explore Open Culture: “the best free cultural & educational media on the web.”

(Photo taken by charamelody.)

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Trusting Our Children, Trusting Ourselves

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“To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves…and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” – John Holt

“Can I go to preschool all day and only come home at night?” Ezra asked me a few days ago.

I nearly choked on my tea. Ezra had no use for preschool before last week. Zip, zilch, zero. The word itself induced hysterical tears.

In the last year and a half, my husband and I had tried enrolling him at two preschools for a few hours a week. He loved both of them – when one of us was in the room. But the moment we left, he sobbed and cried until we picked him up.

One of the preschool teachers assured us that Ezra would be fine after a few weeks, that many kids had similar troubles adjusting. And it was one of those many times as parents that we simply weren’t sure what was best for Ezra. Should we encourage him to get used to a tiny bit more separation? Or should we listen to his tears and protests?

Both times, we ended the preschool experiment within a week and settled into a long, happy period where we were all relieved to have Ezra at home.

Around then I realized how truly counter-culture home schooling is. Even at three years old, the pressure to begin formal schooling is intense. Every time we ran into another parent of a three-year-old, the first thing they asked was what preschool Ezra was attending. Well-meaning friends and acquaintances lectured us on the importance of “socializing” kids at a young age. The governor of our state campaigned for “Early Childhood Education for Every Oregon Child.”

And yet, it just didn’t seem right for our child.

This fall, we decided to try again for six hours a week at the preschool across the street from our house. Why? Ezra loves playing with his friends. He begs to play with the neighbors every afternoon. He instantly befriends kids at the park. At four, he just seems plain ready for more social activity.

Not surprisingly, within minutes of arriving at preschool this time, Ezra was grinning and running around and making friends. No tears. No terror. And within a week, he was begging to stay all day and only come home at night.

I’m not ready for that, but I’m so glad we trusted Ezra (and ourselves) to know when he was ready for preschool, instead of the calendar or what other parents were doing or what politicians think is best for families. And I’m also grateful that we had that opportunity. I know many families don’t.

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The Empty Table

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mount pisgah fall day 081

My husband and I recently achieved the pinnacle of our domestic lives together. We cleared the counter in our laundry room. It was like jumping into a time machine back to the spring of 2008 just before we became parents. Apparently that’s when we last had time for organizing. Handouts from our birthing classes and congratulations-on-the-new-baby-cards mingled with mail, tools, broken toys, and bits of wayward debris. This tucked-away rubbish pile enabled the rest of the house to look relatively tidy and clutter-free. But occasionally one of us would have to suit up and traverse into this danger zone to try to find something. So finally we spent a morning sorting and shredding, recycling and organizing . . . and we unearthed a glistening, white counter.

As we gazed it, the inevitable question arose: what should we put on it? The bill file? The laundry detergent? Cleaning supplies?

Then, it occurred to us.

Nothing.

If we left the counter empty, we could actually use it for folding laundry, brewing beer, or making crafts. For activities, rather than stuff.

I’m in love with our empty counter. I feel happy every time I see it. So I’ve been on a mission lately to empty tables. My desk. The table in my office. The kitchen table and counters. They’re not always empty, of course. There’s nothing I love more than a table full of food or craftiness. But empty is their default state. And when they’re full, they are intentionally so, because someone’s using them.

I’ve taken this empty-table approach into my working life as well. Working at home means maneuvering around the clamor of family life, which is the best and hardest part of it. When I sit down to work, I have to focus regardless of what’s going on in the wider world of my household. I’ve found it immensely helpful to take a few moments to empty my table, so to speak, by focusing on my breath and clearing away any mental clutter before I dig into my work.

Now, if my husband and I can just tackle the garage.

Have you discovered any household tips or tricks that make you happier? Leave me a comment. I’d love to hear about them.

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