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Abby Quillen

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Parenting

Anthologizing

By Abby Quillen

For the past few months, in addition to my usual writing and blogging, I’ve been working on a big project. I’m editing an anthology of my late father Ed Quillen’s columns. Until he passed away in June, my dad was a regular on the op-ed page of The Denver Post for 28 years.

“He was a straight-shooter, a fact-checker, a proud wordsmith, a brilliant thinker, a touch of down-home Colorado the likes of which are rare, ” the editors of The Denver Post wrote in a tribute to him.

It’s true, my dad had an encyclopedic knowledge of Colorado and American history and lore, as well as a knack for humor and crisp writing. As he often liked to say, he also had a “bad attitude,” which meant he had the courage to expose hypocrisy and divulge unpopular truths about politicians, cultural leaders, and social mores. That all adds up to some entertaining writing.

Here’s an excerpt of a column he wrote about Earth Day in 2011:

I propose a yearly Binge Day.

On the other 364 days of the year, we would live simple green lives with local food and drink. We would walk, bicycle or ride public transit to get around. We would eschew gaudy imported novelties, fad electronics destined for quick obsolescence and other trashy food, goods and geegaws.

In other words, we would live prudently and sensibly, following old adages like “Waste not, want not.” The global economy might contract on that account, but it seems to be doing that anyway.

On Binge Day, though, we could pig out on champagne and corn-fed prime rib. We’d rent a Hummer or an Escalade to drive to the shopping mall for an orgy of conspicuous consumption. We’d ignore the recycling bins and just toss our abundant trash in a barrel. And after the once-a-year Binge Day blowout, we’d go back to living sensibly.

Add it up, and Binge Day should be about 364 times better for the environment than Earth Day.

I wrote an essay about editing the anthology of my dad’s columns for the January/February issue of Colorado Central Magazine:

Anthologizing

By Abby Quillen

My four-year-old son Ezra takes a bite of his toast. “What happens when we die?” he asks after he swallows.

I stare at my coffee. “I don’t know.”

“Grandpa knows,” Ezra says.

I nod. We’ve had this conversation quite a few times in the six months since my dad died. It’s like a skipping record, the same question again and again.

“Do you want to hear a story about Grandpa?” I ask.

Ezra nods, and I laser in on a Sunday night in February of 1985. My dad and his friend Allen Best sat at our kitchen table mapping out a backcountry ski trip over Old Monarch Pass. My sister Columbine, nine at the time, wandered in. “Why do I have to go to school tomorrow when you get to go have fun with a friend?” she asked. My dad shrugged and invited her to join them.

“So the next morning, I went to school, and Grandpa and Aunt Col drove up, up, up into the mountains,” I tell Ezra.

He sets down his toast and stares at me, as if he senses the impending doom.

The trip started out as a gentle glide on slick snow. But when they dropped into the trees, they skied into 18 inches of fresh powder. My dad and Allen took turns breaking trail. As the sun went down and the moon rose, they were still slogging along, miles from the car they’d parked at the other side of the pass.

“Finally they stopped, too tired to go on,” I tell Ezra.

His eyes are as round as our breakfast plates. “Did you and Grandma drive up, up, up into the mountains to find them?”
You can read the rest of my essay here.

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January 14, 2013Filed Under: Family life, Parenting Tagged With: Death, Ed Quillen Anthology, Legacy, Memorials, Parents

12 Aha Moments in 2012

By Abby Quillen

At the end of 2010, I shared 10 magic moments when someone said or wrote something that surprised or inspired me. Moments that made me say, “aha.” Now, as we say so long to 2012, I have 12 more for you:

I unsubscribed from the clock. Dropped my watch right into the garbage. Shut off the glowing green-blue digital clocks that seem to piggyback on every appliance known to man – microwave, stove, VCR. … I’m less stressed. I don’t worry about how long things take or even bother considering how long they should take. … I’m no longer chained to the clock. I measure my life in heartbeats and years, the only significant units to me. – Steven Corona, Living Without Time

Plants, it turns out, possess a sensory vocabulary far wider than our perception of them as static, near-inanimate objects might suggest: They can smell their own fruits’ ripeness, distinguish between different touches, tell up from down, and retain information about past events; they “see” when you’re approaching them and even “know” whether you’re wearing a red or blue shirt; like us, they have unique genes that detect light and darkness to wind up their internal clock. – Maria Popova, What a Plant Knows

Micro-publishing means that every person is a publisher. It takes away the whole idea of “us” vs. “them” that comes part and parcel with indie publishing and establishes that there is only Us, all of the people in the world, and we are all publishers. – Christina Katz, “What is What Is Micro-Publishing? A Thorough Definition By Christina Katz”

Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done. – Tim Kreider, “The Busy Trap,” New York Times

Pushing our children toward adulthood takes us (and them) away from seeing that each of us are whole people exactly as we are. A baby is not an unformed child, a child is not an ungrown adult, an elder is not an age-ruined version of a once younger self. … We don’t have to paddle away from the moment we live in toward some ideal age. Doing so doesn’t just wish away right now, it also condemns every other age we live in to be something less. – Laura Grace Weldon, What’s the Perfect Age?

Focus on your masterpiece. Whatever you focus on, you’ll create. Think your project is crappy? Then it will be crappy. Think you’ll get it done no matter the odds? Then you’ll finish it even if you get hit by a bus. – Joshua Fields Millburn, Create Your Masterpiece, a 16-Step Guide

So began my year of living the shareable life, which I chronicled on shareable.net. … I hadn’t thought my blog would make a difference, but I was wrong. My story was picked up by Fast Company, Sunset, and NBC Nightly News, reaching tens of millions of people with the message that sharing is both good for the soul and a savvy financial move. At the end of the day, I reaped the personal reward of sharing with my neighbors. And I have an extra $17,000 in my pocket. – Neal Gorenflo, How I saved $17,000 in one year by sharing

I remember hearing about a book called “How to Parent without Bribes, Threats and Punishments,” and I laughed because those were all my discipline tools, and I believed in them. But, 2 years later, I’m orbiting a more peaceful planet and making an occasional smooth landing.  … I still value compliance, but not the kind that comes from threats or promise of a reward, because in the long run, I want my children to be motivated to make choices from their intrinsic desire to add to the peace and harmony of our family (and the planet). – Rachel Turiel, orbiting a more peaceful planet

I learned a little trick while practicing meditation that helped me, not only with meditation, but with just about everything I do. I noticed I was reluctant to start the meditation, and paused to wonder why that is. What I noticed was a kind of tightness, in my chest and shoulders and neck, but also in my mind. … I chose to let go of the tightness. – Leo Babauta, The Little Trick to Make Any Moment Better

What if we stopped labeling our children, criticizing our children, fretting over our children, and instead just loved them unconditionally and let them be themselves? I have a theory about this: If we stop trying to change and mold our children and start loving them just the way they are then we have to extend the same courtesy to ourselves. – Jennifer Margulis, Mismatched: When Your Child’s Personality Clashes With Your Own

I looked in the other pocket. I looked in my bag. And then I remembered, with dull thud to the gut—I changed trousers before leaving my room. The Fitbit was back at the hotel, clipped to my jeans, motionless, recording nothing. … Part of me wanted to cab it back to the hotel. Cab it back and clip on the Fitbit and do the walk again. … Smiling, I looked out over a Paris glowing golden—caught in a long summer twilight—and enjoyed the day for what it was: a beautiful walk, existing only in my mind, to be forgotten, unrecorded and fleeting, just as it’s always been.” – Craig Mod, Paris and the Data Mind

Our children don’t need us to play with them all the time. It only seems like that because we keep running away from them. … Child development experts say preschoolers need one hour of undistracted play with a parent each day. … But this means one hour when you sit on the floor and don’t get up. You don’t leave to fold the laundry or start supper. You don’t abandon the game to do something more interesting or important. You don’t check your email or fiddle on your phone. And the game is one they choose, not something you think is worthwhile or educational for them.” – Karen Maezen Miller, momma time

 

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January 7, 2013Filed Under: Parenting, Simple Living Tagged With: 2012, Aha Moments, Attention, Business, Christina Katz, Craig Mod, Creating, Creativity, Focus, Idleness, Inspirational Quotes, Jennifer Margulis, Joshua Fields Millburn, Karen Maezen Miller, Laura Grace Weldon, Leo Babauta, Life Hacks, Lifestyle, Maria Papova, Micro-Publishing, Mindfulness, Neal Gorenflo, Parenting, Plant Intelligence, Plants, Rachel Turiel, Steven Corona, Technology, Tim Kreider, Time, Writing

Celebrate the First Day of Winter

By Abby Quillen

“What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.” ― John Steinbeck

It’s hard to find words after the tragic shooting in Connecticut last Friday. I am grieving with the families and the community there. As we, as a nation, reflect on darkness, this Friday in the Northern Hemisphere, we will observe the winter solstice — the darkest day of the year. We also welcome back the light and try to remember that brighter days will surely follow this season of darkness.

The frenzy of the holidays may seem like the wrong time to add yet another tradition to your to-do list. The key is making seasonal celebrations simple and relaxing. They can be the perfect opportunity to pause, appreciate nature’s cyclical changes, the lessons each season imparts, and to celebrate the natural beauty all around us.

Here are a few easy ideas for saying farewell to fall and hello to winter on Friday:

Observe

Watch the sun rise and set. Take a walk, hike, or ski trip and notice all of the things you appreciate about winter. For me, it’s the branches outlined against the sky and the thrushes, sparrows, seagulls, starlings, blue birds, and wrens that make this part of the world their home during the winter.

Read

What better time of the year to curl up and share books? A few of my family’s favorite winter-themed picture books are:

  • The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
  • Owl Moon by Jane Yolen
  • Stella, Queen of the Snow by Mary-Louise Gay
  • The Big Snow by Berta Hader
  • A Kitten Tale by Eric Rohmann
  • Snow by Cynthia Rylant
  • Winter is the Warmest Season by Lauren Stringer

It’s also fun to read aloud from The Winter Solstice by Ellen Jackson. And if you’re in the mood for adult reads, check out this list of Good Books to Read in the Winter or the Independent’s 50 Best Winter Reads.

Eat

Make a seasonal feast, with foods like beets, winter squash, potatoes, onions, kale, cabbage, or parsnips. Prepare your favorite winter dessert or hot beverages. And don’t forget to light candles while you eat, a sure hit for kids and adults alike.

Reflect

When the sun sets, let your house dance with candlelight. Then after dinner, blow the candles out and sit together quietly in the darkness for a few minutes. Reflect on darkness and on how long and cold winter must have felt before we had electric lights and heat.

Other things you can reflect on together:

  • One thing you’ve lost this year and one thing you’ve gained.
  • One thing you want to say goodbye to in the new year and one thing you’d like to welcome back into your life.
  • Some of your best and worst holiday memories.

Wish

Bring an evergreen bough inside and make it into a wishing tree. Secure the bough in a bucket with rocks. Cut leaves out of construction paper. Have each person write down a wish for the coming year on each leaf. Hang the leaves on the tree using a hole punch and yarn or ribbon.

Hoping you have a happy first day of winter.

Do you have your own winter solstice traditions? I’d love to hear about them.

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December 17, 2012Filed Under: Family life, Nature Tagged With: Connecting with Nature, Family life, Family Traditions, First day of Winter, Holidays, Nature, Seasonal celebrations, Seasons, Winter, Winter Solstice

A Christmas Raft

By Abby Quillen

We were inspired by Tricia at Little Eco Footprints to make our own version of her “calm and creative” natural advent calendar, so last week we gathered leaves from around our neighborhood, numbered them, and strung them on a piece of twine. Tricia shares all sorts of wonderful “quick and simple activities” to do in the evenings each day. However, I took a quicker and even simpler approach (read: scrapped together at the last minute) and told Ezra that we would “sing a Christmas song, tell a Christmas story, or make a Christmas craft” each day.

He was thrilled at that idea. So the first evening, as we untied our leaf, I asked, “What would you like to do tonight to celebrate?”

“Make a Christmas raft,” Ezra exclaimed.

“You mean a Christmas craft?”

He gave me a funny look.

And that, future house guests, is why we have the oddly strung together chopstick contraption in our bathtub.

I hope you too are finding delight in unexpected places this holiday season.

Here are a few more inspiring ideas for simple and joyful December celebrations:

  • 35 Meaningful December Traditions for Families by Dr. Laura Markham
  • 8 Tips to De-Stress the Holidays by Dr. Laura Markham
  • Gift Experiences, Not Stuff by The Minimalists
  • 15 Simple Christmas Gift Ideas by Shalom Mama

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December 10, 2012Filed Under: Family life, Parenting, Simple Living Tagged With: Advent, Christmas, December Traditions, Family life, Holiday, Holiday Celebrations, Holiday Traditions, Holidays, Parenting

Resolving to Pay Attention

By Abby Quillen

Resolving to Pay Attention #lifelessons #focus #parenting

Sometimes my four-year-old son Ezra asks me, “Where are you, Mama?” when he’s sitting on my lap.

“I’m right here,” I say. But I know he’s caught me. I’m really miles away, my mind flitting from what we will have for dinner tonight, to the article I’m writing, to the garbage cans that I forgot to drag out to the curb this morning.

Sometimes I lift one-year-old Ira onto my lap while I’m working and rub his back, thinking I can multitask parenting and work for at least a few minutes. But the moment I glance over his fine white curls at the computer monitor, he senses my inattention like a drone detecting heat. He spins around, wrapping his fingers in my hair,  his giggles echoing through my office.

Many childhood development experts say that connected parenting requires 30 minutes a day of undivided attention. Thirty minutes playing whatever your kids want to play, talking about whatever they want to talk about. No trying to peak at the newspaper; no trying to teach them the alphabet. Sounds easy, right? But sometimes it’s not, and I’m tempted to skip it. I’m home with my kids a lot, I tell myself. They see plenty of me. But it’s like Ezra has a score card tucked away in his pocket. “We never play together,” he moans if more than a couple of days pass without my undivided attention.

My kids just seem to naturally get something I so often forget: focusing on something transforms it. Of course, it’s not just parenting that requires our attention. So does writing, reading, art, marriage. Kids are just better at reminding us.

Resolving to Pay Attention #lifelessons #focus #parenting #resolutions

Recently I started a huge editing project. Work towered in front of me like a canyon wall. “I’ll never finish,” I told my husband after I spent most of my first day procrastinating.

“Just commit to it for one hour a day, and see what happens,” my husband advised.

So I did, and a couple of months later I was done.

When something is decaying, be it our aspirations or health or friendships, it’s easy to say we don’t have time for it even if we have time for other things, like Facebook, Twitter, and television. There’s nothing wrong with any of those things, of course, as long as they are the things we want to fill our lives.

But we can never forget that what we attend to flourishes. And what we neglect decays.

I seem to need to remind myself again and again about the astonishing power of my attention. So as a new year approaches, and everyone begins talking about resolutions, I’ll be shifting my thoughts to attention.

What are my highest priorities this year? What do I want to flourish? Where do I need to shift my attention?

Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are. - Jose Ortega y Gasset #lifelessons #focus

If you liked this post, you may enjoy these related posts:

  • Attention Needed
  • Learning to Listen
  • Learning to Enjoy the Journey
  • A Year of Meditation
  • Resolving to Do Nothing

[clickToTweet tweet=”What we attend to flourishes. What we neglect decays. Pay attention to what matters. #focus” quote=”What we attend to flourishes. What we neglect decays. Pay attention to what matters.” theme=”style1″]

What do you want to pay more attention to? I’d love to hear about it.

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December 3, 2012Filed Under: Family life, Parenting Tagged With: Attention, Distraction, Inattention, Parenting

The Riddle of Parenting

By Abby Quillen

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.” – Swedish proverb

“Watch what I can do,” four-year-old Ezra says as he pushes his bike to the top of a grassy hill near our house.

He gets on his bike and grips the handlebars. I open my mouth to warn him to be careful. The grass is wet; the leaves at the bottom might be slippery; a different route could be wiser. Instead I smile.

Ezra stares at me. “Isn’t there anything you’re concerned about?”

I shake my head, and he speeds down the hill with a huge grin on his face. It’s one of the many parenting lessons in store for me this day.

I’d planned to work all day. In the morning, I sat down to write a blog post about parenting. Recently I read about a mom’s commitment to parent without punishment, rewards, and bribes, which got me thinking about how often parenting can feel like a Zen koan – paradoxical, non-intuitive, riddle-like. Like when all of my instincts tell me to yell or chastise or hide in the closet, even though I really should do just the opposite.

Like a Zen koan, parenting also enlightens us in that way that something that challenges, frustrates, and makes you nearly crazy forces you to grow. As I pondered all of this, I happened upon an article about love bombing children via the blog Little Eco Footprints.

The idea, formulated by psychologist Oliver James, is that paradoxically when a kid is behaving badly, and our instincts say that we should enforce limits and insist on obedience, it’s often more effective to something radically different. James advises designating a set time — a day or weekend — to let the kid be in control of where you go and what you do while showering him with love.

James explains, “You may be thinking: Is he mad? My child is a tyrant – rewarding him like that is just going to make it even worse! This is understandable. Love bombing seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom, which often recommends more control, not less, when a child is not complying, and stricter, firmer reactions to undesirable behavior.” James insists he’s seen dramatic results from love bombing, that it’s transformed his young patients who are struggling with violent aggression, anxiety problems, ADHD, and other issues.

James’ idea resonated with me. You see, I’ve been thinking about parenting quite a bit, not just because I am one, but also because I lost one of mine this year. My dad’s birthday is today. He would be 62, but he passed away in June.

I’m fairly certain my dad never read a parenting article or book, and he didn’t seem to carry around the angst about raising kids that my generation seems to specialize in. But my dad had his own version of the love bomb. During the fall months, he pulled my sister and me out of school on Friday afternoons, so we could hike as a family amongst the changing aspen leaves. He loved helping us with homework, and playing board games with us, and he was just plain interested in who we were. He was one of the best listeners I’ve ever met. Since he died in June, I think about him nearly every moment of every day, and I miss him terribly.

So when I read about love bombing and remembered all of the times my dad – a busy, self-employed writer — abandoned a day of work to hang out with me, I knew just what I should do in honor of his birthday: pay forward some of that love to my four-year-old son.

“It’s super special Ezra and Mama Day,” I told Ezra. “We can do whatever you want.” His face lit up.

We headed to the coffee shop to drink juice and eat donuts. Then we went to the stream, made a boat out of sticks and rope, and watched it float down. Then we rode our bikes to the park and played.

Not surprisingly, when I let my son do all of the leading, all the deciding, all of the telling, we had a lot more fun than if I’d been in charge. I also learned a lot. Yes, it’s important to eat healthy food. But sometimes it’s better just to eat whatever you want and enjoy it. Yes, it’s good to get places. But sometimes it’s better to just ride your bike in circles. Yes, it’s important to work. But sometimes it’s better just to spend a day connecting with the people you love. Because really, why not?

[clickToTweet tweet=”Is your child misbehaving? It may be time for a love bomb. #parenting” quote=”Is your child misbehaving? It may be time for a love bomb.” theme=”style1″]

Related posts:

  • Learning to Listen Again
  • Slow Parenting
  • Confessions from the Car-Free Life
  • 5 Simple (and Free) Ways to Entertain a Young Child

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass #parenting

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November 12, 2012Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Child Rearing, Parenting, Raising Children, Slow Living, Zen koans

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