I took swim and piano lessons and belonged to quite a few clubs at school, but when I think about my childhood, it’s the slowness I remember – infinitely long summer days, conversations with my parents that felt like they’d go on forever, leisurely afternoons of reading, wondering, day-dreaming and playing.
Some of my friends were in gymnastics, soccer, or Girl Scouts. But we all had ample unstructured time in our days. We spent our summers riding bikes all over town, walking to the swimming pool, or wandering in packs from yard to yard until it was time for dinner.
My mom, dad, sister, and I also spent countless hours telling stories, going for walks, hiking, camping, playing board games, and just being together.
And all of those seemingly slow moments added up to something huge – my childhood.
The rise of hyper-parenting
Apparently, in the last 20 years, when I wasn’t paying attention, childhoods like mine went extinct. According to “The Growing Backlash Against Over Parenting”, an article in Time Magazine by Nancy Gibbs, “overprotectiveness and overinvestment of moms and dads” has risen to almost comical proportions.
Gibbs writes that parents started buying knee-pads for their toddlers and hovering over their teenagers; protecting their kids from every bump, scrape, and bad grade; and pressuring their children to achieve more and more at younger and younger ages. She writes that modern parents are raising kids who are “teacups,” liable to shatter with any stress, or “crispies,” already burned out, by the time they get to college.
I can’t say I’ve been monitoring parenting trends over the past few decades. But when I think about it, quite a few of the new parents I know have their infants enrolled in classes – dance, swimming, music, and sign language. And I’ve heard many parents lament that they can’t let their older kids walk to school or play alone in the yard, because “it’s just not the same anymore.” And a college professor I know entertains his friends with nightmarish stories about parents calling to try to get their kids’ grades changed.
The backlash
According to Gibbs, a backlash is brewing against all this over-parenting. Some parents and advocates are calling for a return to the slower, more laissez-faire parenting of my childhood. They’re calling the movement Slow Parenting, Free-Range Parenting, or Simplicity Parenting.
Carl Honore, author of The Power of Slow: Finding Balance and Fulfillment Beyond the Cult of Speed and Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting has inspired many Slow Parenting devotees (although he doesn’t actually use the term in his books). He defined Slow Parenting in an interview with Lisa Belkin for her NYT Motherlode Blog:
Slow parenting is about bringing balance into the home. Children need to strive and struggle and stretch themselves, but that does not mean childhood should be a race. Slow parents give their children plenty of time and space to explore the world on their own terms. They keep the family schedule under control so that everyone has enough downtime to rest, reflect and just hang out together. They accept that bending over backwards to give children the best of everything may not always be the best policy. Slow parenting means allowing our children to work out who they are rather than what we want them to be.
And Carrie Contley and Bernadette Noll, who run the blog, Slow Family Living, and hold classes and workshops, write that Slow Parenting is about:
allowing family life to unfold in a way that is joyfully and consciously connected. This means slowing it down, finding comfort in the home, and creating the space to see and honor the family as an entity, while simultaneously keeping sight of each member as a unique and valuable individual.
Slowing down family life
When my son was born a year and a half ago, I realized that if my husband and I continued on the same track, he would not have the same sort of childhood that I had.
My husband and I both worked full time, and we worked opposite schedules. So we would have almost zero time together as a family. My son would be in daycare. Our mornings would a frenzy. We’d be tired in the evenings. And there would be few of those long afternoons making cookies, doing art projects, or reading books, because I’d have to-do lists and errands piled up from the week. My husband and I spent most of my son’s first year rearranging our lives so that we could have a slower, more-connected family life.
So I’m thrilled to read that other parents are questioning whether kids need so many expensive extracurriculars; are stepping back and giving their kids room to play, think, make mistakes, and be bored; and are prioritizing spending good old-fashioned time together.
Do parents need space too?
I asked my husband, who teaches at a low-income highschool, if he’s seeing an epidemic of “helicopter parenting”, and he laughed. “I wish. It’s more often the opposite – parents who never show up, don’t answer phone calls, and don’t seem to care.”
His comments made me think that maybe kids aren’t the only ones who need room to breathe and make mistakes. Parenting is a tough job, and maybe we could do worse for our kids than being too involved.
So while it may be overkill to buy a toddler knee pads, have trees chopped down to prevent a nut from falling into an allergenic child’s pool, or repeatedly rush down to the school to drop off a forgotten notebook, lunch pail, or necklace, as some of the parents Gibbs writes about in her Time Magazine article did, I hesitate to judge. I know first hand, striking that perfect balance in parenting is no easy feat.
But if slow parenting is about striving to be more connected while giving our kids more room to be themselves, those certainly seem like worthy goals.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Childhood isn’t a race. Embrace slow parenting. #parenting #family” quote=”Childhood isn’t a race. Embrace slow parenting.” theme=”style1″]
If you liked this post, you may enjoy these related posts:
- Learning to Listen Again
- The Riddle of Parenting
- Confessions from the Car-Free Life
- 5 Simple (and Free) Ways to Entertain a Young Child
What do you think of Slow Parenting?
I like it. Both in theory and practice.
I love the thinking behind free range parenting and slow parenting! It does feel like it will be harder to give our kids those freedoms due to pressure/judgement from other parents. But the time together as a family and unstructured time are so important and I know Jackson loves the freedom to just explore!
I love this idea. It is sad to think that my children wouldn’t be riding their bikes around the neighborhood, building forts in back yards and empty lots, or have time to just sit around and daydream and tell stories. Time seems to be in shorter and shorter supply in the US lately. I am a big believer in freedom and responsibility for self being great teachers for kids. The only problem, even if I let my child have free time, will there be any other kids to spend it with? One thing that helped convince me to buy this house was the fact that it’s a dead end and every time we came to look at it there were kids playing in the street: football, basketball, or riding scooters and bikes. That’s the way it should be, I think.
Multi task!!!! Multi Task!!!! Multi-task!!!!!
Unitasking is my new battle cry. I used to pride myself on my ability to multitask, now I strive to be a good uni-tasker!
And I strive too to put connection in now that will be sustainable for our whole lives long.
Glad you found our site.
Thanks for commenting, Bernadette! I’ve really enjoyed reading your site, and was pleased to see you have a group on Facebook too!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=30409619283
I can’t say I’ve totally given up multi-tasking. (Is that even possible with an 18-month-old underfoot?) But I’m definitely trying to concentrate on doing one thing at a time.
I find this very interesting. Almost all of the kids around me that were born around the same time my sons were born (2003 and 2005) have no free time to just play or even be bored (yes – I actually think that being bored and having to come up with something fun to do is under-valued).
Most of the kids I know were in baby-swimming lessons almost from the moment they were born. At around 2 years old or so they were in what we like to call “sports-school” every saturday. At 4 years old they are starting soccer-practice a few times a week and the weekends are filled with activities like museums, cinema etc. I find this really sad – what happened to just spending some leisurely time at home? Why do parents find this need to fill their children’s schedules with constant activities? Is there any proof that this will make our kids happier and better adjusted?
I don’t know, I have actually thought about this a lot and haven’t really found an answer.
Hi Stina! This is so interesting that Icelandic parents are “hyper-parenting” too. Hopefully this slow parenting trend will catch on over there too.
I like your description of your childhood. That is how I remember mine. We did not watch tv and play video games. We were not bounced from activity to activity. We enjoyed family time. I want that for my kids also. I want our family to be interactive not actively entering one thing or the next. Thanks for sharing.
I am in love with your blog. We share a lot of the same viewpoints…I now am at a crossroads with where our childrens’ future is headed. My oldest finished K4 today…and I wonder if it’s just too much? Too much forced learning, and too much direction. Maybe there isn’t enough self direction. I’ve been going back and forth in my head (and checkbook) to see how we can make things work to be together more. Thank you! I’ll be reading much more from you!!
Excellent comments! This is why we decided to homeschool 9 years ago. Many people assume it is because we want to isolate or provide a top notch education for our kids. But really it has been about slowing down and taking life at our own pace. Unfortunately, even homeschoolers have difficulty jumping off the fast track though. So, sometimes we are a subgroup of a subgroup. Not only educating outside of the norm, but also doing it at a slower pace. But we love our life and it our kids rarely use the “b” word (bored). Many blessings to all of the thoughtful parents who have the courage to seek the best path for your families!
This helps me have less guilt, on a day when I feel like I’m failing my kids. Being a mom with a chronic illness, I struggle to get them anywhere, even the park across the street.
I had guilt today about not returning to Kuk Sool Won class, or moving forward on Capoeira classes.
I’m just too fatigued, too challenged.
Thanks for reminding me that I’m not a neglectful mom. They don’t have to be engaged through acts of MY doing all the time.
Peace.
I came across this older post of yours and it is and remains a strange phenomenon still today. I tend to call this the affliction of over-scheduling and desire for parents (not the kids themselves!) to age-up or do those things that older kids do but sooner. Whether it is traveling sports, extra-cirricular activities or whatever.
I wholly subscribe to the notion of not over-scheduling my kids and letting them be kids. And, yes, it is sad to see all of the vacant streets and playgrounds that were always full when I was a kid. We used to play games of pick up baseball and football all the time but the playgrounds are empty now. On the brighter side, there does at least seem to be a growing acknowledgment that our kids are not getting out and getting enough exercise… so perhaps there is still a glimmer of hope!