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Abby Quillen

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Child Rearing

The Riddle of Parenting

By Abby Quillen

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.” – Swedish proverb

“Watch what I can do,” four-year-old Ezra says as he pushes his bike to the top of a grassy hill near our house.

He gets on his bike and grips the handlebars. I open my mouth to warn him to be careful. The grass is wet; the leaves at the bottom might be slippery; a different route could be wiser. Instead I smile.

Ezra stares at me. “Isn’t there anything you’re concerned about?”

I shake my head, and he speeds down the hill with a huge grin on his face. It’s one of the many parenting lessons in store for me this day.

I’d planned to work all day. In the morning, I sat down to write a blog post about parenting. Recently I read about a mom’s commitment to parent without punishment, rewards, and bribes, which got me thinking about how often parenting can feel like a Zen koan – paradoxical, non-intuitive, riddle-like. Like when all of my instincts tell me to yell or chastise or hide in the closet, even though I really should do just the opposite.

Like a Zen koan, parenting also enlightens us in that way that something that challenges, frustrates, and makes you nearly crazy forces you to grow. As I pondered all of this, I happened upon an article about love bombing children via the blog Little Eco Footprints.

The idea, formulated by psychologist Oliver James, is that paradoxically when a kid is behaving badly, and our instincts say that we should enforce limits and insist on obedience, it’s often more effective to something radically different. James advises designating a set time — a day or weekend — to let the kid be in control of where you go and what you do while showering him with love.

James explains, “You may be thinking: Is he mad? My child is a tyrant – rewarding him like that is just going to make it even worse! This is understandable. Love bombing seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom, which often recommends more control, not less, when a child is not complying, and stricter, firmer reactions to undesirable behavior.” James insists he’s seen dramatic results from love bombing, that it’s transformed his young patients who are struggling with violent aggression, anxiety problems, ADHD, and other issues.

James’ idea resonated with me. You see, I’ve been thinking about parenting quite a bit, not just because I am one, but also because I lost one of mine this year. My dad’s birthday is today. He would be 62, but he passed away in June.

I’m fairly certain my dad never read a parenting article or book, and he didn’t seem to carry around the angst about raising kids that my generation seems to specialize in. But my dad had his own version of the love bomb. During the fall months, he pulled my sister and me out of school on Friday afternoons, so we could hike as a family amongst the changing aspen leaves. He loved helping us with homework, and playing board games with us, and he was just plain interested in who we were. He was one of the best listeners I’ve ever met. Since he died in June, I think about him nearly every moment of every day, and I miss him terribly.

So when I read about love bombing and remembered all of the times my dad – a busy, self-employed writer — abandoned a day of work to hang out with me, I knew just what I should do in honor of his birthday: pay forward some of that love to my four-year-old son.

“It’s super special Ezra and Mama Day,” I told Ezra. “We can do whatever you want.” His face lit up.

We headed to the coffee shop to drink juice and eat donuts. Then we went to the stream, made a boat out of sticks and rope, and watched it float down. Then we rode our bikes to the park and played.

Not surprisingly, when I let my son do all of the leading, all the deciding, all of the telling, we had a lot more fun than if I’d been in charge. I also learned a lot. Yes, it’s important to eat healthy food. But sometimes it’s better just to eat whatever you want and enjoy it. Yes, it’s good to get places. But sometimes it’s better to just ride your bike in circles. Yes, it’s important to work. But sometimes it’s better just to spend a day connecting with the people you love. Because really, why not?

[clickToTweet tweet=”Is your child misbehaving? It may be time for a love bomb. #parenting” quote=”Is your child misbehaving? It may be time for a love bomb.” theme=”style1″]

Related posts:

  • Learning to Listen Again
  • Slow Parenting
  • Confessions from the Car-Free Life
  • 5 Simple (and Free) Ways to Entertain a Young Child

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass #parenting

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November 12, 2012Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Child Rearing, Parenting, Raising Children, Slow Living, Zen koans

A Snapshot of Parenting in America

By Abby Quillen

Percentage of women between the ages 40 and 44 who’ve had a biological child (2010):

83

In 1990, the percentage of women between the ages 40 and 44 who’d had a biological child:

90

Percentage of men between who’ve had a biological child by age 40 (2010):

76

Percent drop in the birth rate between 2007 and 2010:

7

Average age of a first-time mother in 1970:

21.4

Average age of a first-time mother in 2008:

25.1

Percentage of babies born to unmarried mothers in 1980:

18

Percentage of babies born to unmarried mothers in 2011:

40

Percentage of kids who were adopted (2000):

2.5

Number of kids in the foster care system awaiting placement with a family (2011):

104,236

Percentage of kids being raised in a two-parent home (2011):

69

Percentage of kids living in poverty (2011):

22

Percentage of married moms who stayed at home with their kids in 1969:

44

Percentage of married moms who stayed at home with their kids in 2010:

26

Percentage of dads who stayed at home with their kids in 2010:

0.8

Percentage of kids ages 0 to 4, who have a working mother and are enrolled in center-based child care (2010) :

24

Average cost per year for center-based child care in Massachusetts, the most expensive in the nation (2010):

$15,000

Percentage of children between ages three and five who were read to every day in 2005:

47

Percentage of children between ages three and five who were read to every day in 2007:

40

Percentage of parents who believe it is okay to spank their children:

67

Percentage of parents who admit to spanking their children:

50

Percentage of parents who think it is okay for a grade-school teacher to spank a child:

26

(Click on the hyperlinks to see the sources for the statistics.)

This is part of a New Urban Habitat series: Snapshots of America:

  1. A Snapshot of Car-Usage in America
  2. A Snapshot of Education in America
  3. A Snapshot of Waste in America
  4. A Snapshot of Food in America
  5. A Snapshot of Time in America

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October 29, 2012Filed Under: Family life, Parenting Tagged With: Child Rearing, Childhood, Family life, Fatherhood, Motherhood, Parenting, Raising Children, Snapshots of America, Statistics

5 Simple (and Free) Ways to Entertain a Young Child

By Abby Quillen

5 simple and free ways to entertain a young child

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the average American child will cost his parents $222,360 by the time he turns 17. I’d like to refute that number since so far my husband and I have needed to buy very little for our three-year-old son Ezra. We thrived without many of the must-haves on the infant lists: a bassinet, crib, diaper-changing table, infant car seat, etc. Boxes of beautiful hand-me-down clothes seem to show up the moment we need them. Family members and friends have generously gifted Ezra toys and books, a wagon, a tricycle, bikes, and a scooter. And he mostly just eats the same things we do.

Having kids isn’t so expensive, I like to muse to myself. But then I remember the major costs of having a small child: daycare ($10,740 a year on average for an infant in this area) or lost wages, and health care. Oh right. There’s no denying it: having kids can be costly.[clickToTweet tweet=”Having a child can be expensive, but entertaining one doesn’t have to be. #kids #parenting” quote=”Having a child can be expensive, but entertaining one doesn’t have to be.” theme=”style1″]

But here’s a little secret my son keeps teaching me – entertaining a small child can be simple, free, and fun. We spend most days doing the following free activities, all of which Ezra loves:

  • going on walks
  • riding bikes
  • visiting city parks
  • packing picnics
  • gardening
  • going to events at our local library
  • picking out and reading library books
  • telling stories
  • visiting friends
  • drawing, coloring, or painting
  • playing with homemade play dough
  • listening to music and dancing
  • playing with the neighbors

5 Simple and Free Ways to Entertain a Young Child #parenting

Honestly, he even loves to make beds and sweep. He can spend 20 minutes examining a ladybug and is endlessly interested in the gas caps on cars. It’s not hard to amuse him. Sometimes we go out for lunch or pick up a treat at our neighborhood market, but most days, we don’t buy anything.

On occasion, though, the old routines grow tiresome, and I sense that a more creative approach to entertainment is in order. Of course, a special event, elaborate art project, hike, or out-of-town trip is sure to please. But here are a few far more simple and free (or almost free) ways to entertain a small child that you might not have thought of:

1. Visit a construction site

Ezra is a huge fan of “tractors,” a class of vehicles that includes forklifts, dump trucks, cranes, front loaders, diggers, and all of the other big, loud machines you find at a construction site. He can stand mesmerized by these giant tools and the people using them for more than an hour. And then he talks about it for days afterward.

It only occurred to me recently to seek out construction sites for his entertainment. Fortunately, it’s spring and there are construction projects happening on all over the city. What’s surprised me is how entertained I am by watching humans construct giant buildings. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it.  

2. Go to the train station

Ezra loves trains. He builds tracks all over the living room and is quite particular about which train cars can go where. We’re planning to take him on a long train ride this summer, but recently it occurred to me that just visiting the train station when the passenger train comes in might be a big hit. It is. I imagine visiting an airport would be similarly entertaining if you live near one.

3. Ride the bus or light rail

We don’t ride the bus often. In fact, we ride it so little that I didn’t realize how much Ezra would love it until we needed to get across town on a rainy night and decided to opt for public transit instead of bikes. That was several months ago, and Ezra still talks about it. He loves sitting in the entry garden at our library, because across the street is “where the buses live” and he can watch them come and go. This pretty much sums up how easy it is to entertain a three-year-old.

4. Watch a game

It’s almost softball season, which means endless free entertainment opportunities in our neighborhood. There are a couple of games going on most summer nights at a park a few blocks away from our house. This year we’re looking forward to watching one of our friends play there, but in the past, we’ve watched many strangers play softball. With the night lights on, fans cheering in the stands, and kids running around on the grass – it’s fun and free entertainment. And if softball’s not your thing, there are almost always tennis matches, ultimate Frisbee games, and Frisbee golf tournaments going on in that same park. I’d guess a park near you offers similar free entertainment opportunities.

5. Turn a walk into a scavenger hunt

When motivated to get somewhere, I can’t believe how far Ezra can walk. When he’s tired, on the other hand, a few blocks can feel like an ultra-marathon. That’s when we hunt for things. Looking for cats, snails, things that start with the letter A, certain kinds of flowers, purple things, etc. can make a walk far more entertaining and help the blocks pass more quickly. Plus, I’m almost always amazed by the things Ezra notices that I never would.[clickToTweet tweet=”Stumped for ideas for entertaining a preschooler? Try these. #kids #parenting” quote=”Stumped for ideas for entertaining a preschooler? Try these.” theme=”style1″]

If you like this post, check out more of my popular posts about parenting:

  • Want Healthy, Happy Kids? Walk With Them.
  • 7 Ways a Kitchen Timer Can Improve Your Life
  • Feeling Stuck? Slow Down.
  • Free Range Learning

I’d love to hear your ideas (especially for entertaining girls, since I’m not as experienced in that area).

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May 25, 2011Filed Under: Parenting, Simple Living Tagged With: Child Rearing, Entertaining Young Children, Parenting, Saving Money, Simple Living

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