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Abby Quillen

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Paying Attention

How To Learn Anything

By Abby Quillen

A few months ago, I said “shoes” in a conversation with my husband, and one-year-old Ira appeared in the doorway carrying his Stride Rites. That’s when we realized he can understand everything we say. It seemed to happen overnight.

Every day Ira learns a new word or two. “Doggy, doggy, doggy,” he squeals as the neighbors’ poodle trots over. “Bawk bawk,” he calls to the hens. Meanwhile, he’s guiding himself through a crash course in running, climbing, and riding a strider bike.

Four-and-a-half-year-old Ezra is teaching himself how to read, write letters, draw, paint, ride a scooter, and take photographs.

It begs the question, is it easier for kids to learn new things?

Scientists used to think so, especially when it came to language acquisition.

But new research in neuroplasticity suggests otherwise. It turns out our brains optimize themselves throughout our lives, reorganizing sometimes in dramatic ways, like after someone has a stroke.

That’s great news if you’ve always wanted to learn a second language or become a painter. If you put some effort into it, you can probably do it.

Here’s a little example from my life:

When I was about five, my best friend and I put on a concert for our moms. We sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

When we were done, both of our moms applauded.

“He’s a natural,” my mom said, beaming at my friend. My friend was undeniably musically gifted. He went on to later sing in a band.

I, on the other hand, sounded a little bit like a wounded tabby.

Into adulthood, I struggled to stay on key even when I was singing along to my favorite songs. By the time I reached 30, I figured I should erase singing, at least in public settings, off my list of past times. Most people who heard me politely agreed. Read: my husband.

Then Ezra was born. When he was about a month old, I was pacing up and down the hallway in the middle of the night rocking him as he wailed. On a whim, I sang a lullaby I halfway remembered my mom singing to me.

Ezra grew instantly quiet and gazed at me.

Singing, it turns out, is a maternal super power. So, of course, I was going to continue singing even if I needed to buy a case of earplugs for my husband and cats. I crooned the same lullabies over and over — at naptime, in the car, at bedtime.

A few months later, after I (coincidentally) finished singing” Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” my husband grinned. “You taught yourself to sing.”

He was right. For the first time in my life, I could hold a tune. Effortlessly.

What had changed?

I’d paid attention to it.

As I’ve written before, we often forget the astonishing power of our attention. Paying attention to something invariably transforms it.

“Whatever you pay attention to thrives; whatever you don’t pay attention to withers and dies,” Karen Maezen Miller writes.

We tend to pay attention to what we’re interested in.  So if you’ve always wanted to learn something and haven’t yet, maybe it’s time to ask yourself whether you’re really interested in it.

Or, you could try to find a screaming infant who loves the sound of Spanish verb conjugation or PBS painting shows.

Have you  learned to do something new lately? Do you want to? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

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April 15, 2013Filed Under: Family life, Parenting Tagged With: Adult Learning, Attention, Language Acquisition, Learning, Motherhood, Neuroplasticity, Parenting, Paying Attention, Raising Children, Singing

How Transforming Your Meals Can Transform Your Life

By Abby Quillen

Recently, I had an aha moment while I was eating a salad for lunch and skimming the newspaper.

I don’t have much time for newspaper reading in this season of life. Of course, we all know it’s not that we don’t have time for things; it’s that we’re not making time for them. But I make time to appear on the non-stop quiz show that is hanging out with my four-year-old: “How do the flowers bloom?” “Why does glass break?” “Why does it get dark at night?” I make time to chase my naked one-year-old around the house with a diaper, to prepare more sandwiches some days than a bustling Subway, and to meet writing deadlines, polish blog posts, and edit a book. So, reading the newspaper doesn’t always rise to the top of my to-do list.

But I grew up in a newsroom. My parents owned or edited newspapers until I was ten and then wrote for them. Newspapers were our bread and butter, and according to my parents (and civics teachers), the foundation of an informed democracy. Thus I’ve always tried to squeeze reading one into any moments of my days when I am sitting. Lately, during those moments, I’m also eating.

But on this day, as I ravenously devoured my salad with our bizarrely sordid City Region section  — Armed man mistakes pregnant wife for an intruder! Mom lets toddler inhale marijuana smoke! Blind rapper robs car! Seriously.  — I realized how ridiculous it was. I was hardly tasting the fresh, organic food that I’d spent good money on and labored to prepare.

Moreover, I was squandering one of life’s greatest pleasures – eating.

More ridiculous still, I meditate for fifteen minutes a day. So I was rushing through my lunch, distracted and multi-tasking, so that I’d have time to sit and pay attention to my breath. It’s like driving across town to run on a treadmill.

So that day I stopped.

Now I just sit and eat. If someone’s eating with me, we converse. If I’m alone, I pay attention to my food. Sometimes I watch the chickens peck around the grass, the squirrels scamper along the fence tops, and the bluebirds flit between the branches.

My meals are incredibly relaxing and pleasurable.

And when lunch is over, I usually find myself scribbling down notes, because it turns out quiet, unhurried lunches are perfect incubators for ideas — for stories, novels, essays, blog posts…

There’s a name for this magic that I’ve discovered: mindful eating.

Full confession: I’ve long been aware of it. I’ve seen half a dozen magazine articles and blog posts about it over the years. I’ve possibly even wolfed down a story about it in the lifestyle section while inhaling my lunch.

But I long resisted actually doing it. Why? I’m a compulsive reader. And the truth is, eating has always seemed, well, a little boring.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. When I worked in offices, the few people who left their desks for lunch lugged along a book, magazine, or laptop to bury themselves in.

The truth is, being mindful of anything can be deceptively tricky. It takes getting used to. But psychologists say practicing mindful eating can help people form a healthy relationship with food, desire more nutritious meals, and sustain a healthy weight.

And as I can attest, once you get the hang of it, it could become the best part of your day.

Do you practice mindful eating? Have you stumbled upon another small change that made a huge difference in your life? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

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March 12, 2013Filed Under: Health Tagged With: Food, Meals, Meditation, Mindful Eating, Mindfulness, Paying Attention

Finding Beauty

By Abby Quillen

enervated

My photo archives are like a journal of my life. I can spot the periods of busyness, stress, or deadlines by the gaps there. I can also spot the winter months that way. Around November my picture-taking mojo tends to curl up for a nap. I love snapping photos in the spring or fall when the light splashes and dapples across flower petals, leaves, and faces in surprising ways. But the months of gray skies and bare branches don’t seem quite worth recording.

Last week as we were leaving for an ordinary walk around the neighborhood, on a whim, I raced back inside to grab the camera. As I strolled along with my camera, I discovered all kinds of beauty hiding in the muted landscape.

It was a good reminder. As much as I love taking photos, I’ve feared that sometimes the camera yanks my family right out of the moment, that it can transform a hike or a vacation into a pressure-packed challenge to record our lives. Sometimes we’re so busy capturing the waves or the fun that we don’t quite experience them, you know? I’ve also taken some interest in the national conversation about whether our collective obsession with photo-taking might be unhealthy for our kids.

I’m reminded that while the digital camera, like most technology, will probably have some ill effects, it’s an incredible gift. Not only can we forever revisit the impossible cuteness of our kids’ toothless grins. Our cameras help us pay attention to the beauty in ordinary things. Mine will be a more frequent winter walk companion.

January 28, 2013Filed Under: Family life, Parenting Tagged With: Attention, Beauty, Childhood, Family life, Living in the Moment, Ordinary Life, Parenting, Paying Attention, Photography

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