Abby Quillen

Freelance Content Marketing Writer and Editor

Gratitude

Why the Way You Think About Happiness Might Be Wrong

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Photo by Trecking Rinjahi
Photo by Trekking Rinjani

Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be. – Abraham Lincoln

“If I work harder, I’ll be more successful. And if I’m more successful, then I’ll be happier.” This is the way most of us think. But happiness expert Shawn Achor says we have it all wrong.

Our brains are simply too adept at moving goal posts. “You can get great grades in school, but then you have to get better grades so you can get into a better school and then get a good internship and then a good job and then go back to school. And you can’t be happy yet, because then you have to rise up in the ranks, and then your children have to do well.”

The myth that success leads to happiness reflects a broader assumption that our external world predicts our well-being. But really, “If I know everything about your external world, I can only predict 10 percent of your longtime happiness,” says Achor. Of course, most of us know this is true. My friends and I had a great time while living in dilapidated surroundings and eating Ramen during our college years. And you only need to skim through a copy of US Weekly to recognize that mansions, Lamborghinis, and Oscar nominations don’t ensure bliss.

Yet still the meme that success leads to happiness endures, and Achor says it has detrimental effects. “If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there. What we’ve done is we’ve pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon as a society.”

Moreover, he insists that we have it exactly backward. Success doesn’t lead to happiness; happiness leads to success. “Thanks to cutting-edge science, we know that happiness and optimism actually fuel performance and achievement — giving us the competitive edge that I call the happiness advantage.” Achor cites numerous studies showing that happiness raises intelligence and boosts performance.

So are you doomed if you tend to see half-empty glasses? Happiness is not something that happens to us,” says Achor. He insists we can reprogram our brains to be happier with five simple practices:

1. Write down three things you’re grateful for every day. Your brain will retain the pattern of looking for positive things in your surroundings.

2. Spend five minutes a day journaling about a positive thing that happened to you. Your brain responds the same way to visualization and experience, so you can double your good experiences.

3. Meditate. Focusing on your breath, even for two minutes a day, trains your brain to single-task.

4. Exercise. It reinforces that your behaviors matter, which is a key predictor of success.

5. Perform conscious acts of kindness. Achor advises writing a two-sentence email first thing in the morning praising or recognizing someone in your environment: a co-worker, family member, or friend. A strong social support network is a big predictor of happiness.

Achor warns that no one should expect to be happy all the time. “That’s a disorder.” But by taking the above steps, “We can reverse the formula for happiness and success and not only create ripples of positivity, but create a real revolution.”

Learn more about Shawn Achor’s research:

What do you think? Is it time for us to reverse the formula for happiness and success? Have you reprogrammed your brain to be happier? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

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Saying Thank You

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Last summer, a writing professor asked me if I wanted to know the key to her success. Her articles and essays appear in a list of impressive publications, including Brain, Child; Orion; and The Washington Post. Of course, I was dying to find out. Was it her sparkling wit, discipline, fastidious proofreading, or some kind of superhuman resistance to rejection? Or maybe it was a brilliant critique circle? Or a special roast of Peruvian coffee?

“Thank you notes,” she said.

Of course, this writer is also creative, disciplined, and persistent, but she swears that thank you notes – like the ones your mom forced you to write to grandma as a kid – are what’s helped her succeed in a hyper-competitive field.

“Doesn’t matter whether it’s through e-mail, on pink scented paper, or via pigeon—a note of genuine gratitude deepens a working relationship with editors,” she explains on her blog.

The same writer makes a point of sending a note of appreciation once a week to another writer whose work she enjoys, saying it helps her form connections with other people in her field.

I’ve taken her advice to heart with editors, and I have no doubt that sending a simple thank you card – whether after a job interview, publication, or event – helps you stand out.  I ran into an editor last summer, who told me mine is the only thank you letter he’s ever received from a writer.

I don’t send a thank you letter to a writer every week, but I love the idea. Ever since I heard it, I’m more likely to comment on blogs or send quick emails of appreciation. I’ve also made it a point to send thank yous for gifts my family receives. They’re so simple, and I’ve found that the practice of writing them breeds gratitude, an emotion psychologists insist makes us happy.

Of course, the best thing about saying thank you is not what it does for the sender, but for the recipient. It’s always great to hear that someone’s genuinely grateful for your efforts.

If you’ve grown out of practice of writing thank yous, it’s easy. Load up on cards and stamps, so you always have them on hand, and write whatever comes to mind. If you’re stuck, brainstorm on what you want to say before you put pen to paper, or check out these resources for tips on composing all kinds of thank you letters:


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Happy Thanksgiving

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We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. -Cynthi Ozick

Tomorrow is one of my favorite holidays, when many of us gather to celebrate food, family, and friends.

Almost 400 years ago, 50 English Colonists and more than 90 Wampanoag Indians started the tradition when they shared an autumn harvest meal of wild fowl together. Want to learn more about their celebration? You may enjoy this Virtual Field Trip back to 1621. It’s an entertaining and educational 30-minute video created for students by Scholastic and Plymoth Plantation, a bicultural living history museum in Massachusetts.

It’s also a field trip in simple living. You’ll tour a reproduction of the settlers’ small thatched-roof wooden cabins, which were  furnished with narrow beds and open-flame fire pits for cooking. These austere dwellings probably felt luxurious to the settlers after they lived on the freezing-cold Mayflower through their first winter. You’ll also hear what it was like to play, eat, sleep and live as a Wampanoag and a colonist, as well as what history tells us about the harvest celebration, where the two cultures came together and probably shared corn, venison, fish, and pumpkin.

Sadly the harmony between these cultures didn’t last. Native Americans across the United States were subjected to years of violence and discrimination, and many still observe Thanksgiving as a National Day of Mourning. Other people argue that it should become a National Day of Atonement. But it’s worth taking a trip back to that cold New England autumn when two peoples with different customs came together in goodwill to celebrate.

One thing I’m particularly thankful for this Thanksgiving is you. Thanks for reading this year and for sharing this space with me. I’ve enjoyed reading your comments and emails and getting to know many of you. I hope you have a happy holiday. I’ll be back here next week.

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On Gratitude

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I was being a little tongue-in-cheek yesterday when I said I had considered giving up on gratitude. In honesty, I think it’s one of the most powerful human emotions we feel. And reflecting on the abundance in our lives almost certainly encourages simple living and thrift more often than materialism.

Moreover, gratitude:

  • makes us turn away from ourselves and focus on others.
  • helps us consider what is truly important in our lives.
  • brings us joy and pleasure.

The meaning of gratitude to different cultures and all of the different ways humans experience it are worthwhile things to reflect on this Thanksgiving. And Margaret Visser, author of The Gift of Thanks: The Roots and Rituals of Gratitude, is a guest on NPR’s On Point With Tom Ashbrook today discussing just those topics. It’s a fascinating conversation. You can listen to it here.

Happy Thanksgiving! I’ll be back next week.

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Giving Thanks

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A few years ago, gratitude became trendy. People started talking about gratitude journals, boxes, and notebooks. The Secret espoused that being grateful is a means to acquiring more material rewards – a better job, a new car, a diamond ring. Gratitude was supposed to be the answer to a happier life, better sleep, vibrant health, and material wealth.

Around then, I became a tad cynical about gratitude.

Maybe instead of sitting around jotting down our thanks for everything, we should be devoting ourselves to improving our health care and criminal justice systems. We should be spending those gratitude-journaling hours working for people in the developing world who don’t even have running water or a reliable food supply. And we certainly shouldn’t pretend that kids growing up in the slums of Delhi or Mumbai could be rich if they just learned to be more grateful.

Maybe I’d give up on gratitude altogether.

But, as it turns out, I have a pathetically grateful disposition. I can’t seem to turn it off. My cat dies, and I immediately think of how thankful I am to have had eight years with him. My husband’s hours get cut back at work, and my first thought is how fortunate we are that he got a cost of living increase this year. My son wakes me up in the middle of the night, and I lie awake just feeling glad that I get to know him. I fear that someone’s playing self-actualization affirmations while I sleep.

In all seriousness, of course, we can be grateful for what we have while working toward a better world. And remembering our fortunes unquestioningly brings more joy to our lives, which is a worthwhile thing to cultivate. But should we think of gratitude as something that could bring in a bigger paycheck or a new boat? I don’t think so.

Besides, with Thanksgiving a few days a way,  it’s those simpler things in life that I’m feeling thankful for – like swings (or ga-gums as my son calls them), sunny afternoons, and backyards and all the creatures that inhabit them.

So here’s to gratitude, just because.

Happy Thanksgiving!

This post is for Steady Mom’s 30 Minute Blog Challenge.

* Read Part 2 of this Thanksgiving post (On Gratititude) here. *

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